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Emotions
Powerful Gateways to Reclaiming Personal Power

By Amorah Ross MCC
MMC guest Master Coach 3/26/15 & blogger
Originally posted in Amorah's March 2015 Newsletter Adventures in Awareness

The inter-related themes for March are 'Power' and 'Think Different' - a space of time which invites us all to consciously and courageously examine our relationship with power, especially our own personal power. And as we do so, to notice how that relationship impacts the thoughts we think as well as the decisions and choices we make, especially in light of the turbulent and emotional stories in the news these last few weeks.

In my work as a professional coach and mentor coach, I’ve noticed how when a coach acknowledges the presence of [or the lack of] emotions in a coaching conversation it can often open a doorway to deeper awareness for a client around how they’re using or not using their personal power regarding whatever they're exploring. This awareness is usually not only about how the client is relating to a circumstance or person, but also to how they themselves are being impacted - often invisibly - by that circumstance or person.

More often than not, that impact can be ameliorated by raising the client’s awareness of their personal power levels within any given situation. By inviting a client to stop and examine whatever emotions are present within them, either in the current moment as they talk about it, or in remembering an incident itself, you support their clarity in identifying what’s really driving their reactions. Once that invisible element is surfaced, new perspectives and different choices can emerge more readily, thereby reinforcing sustainable personal power levels.

The good news is, just as Pema Chödron’s quote in the sidebar points out, “Feelings are actually very clear moments that teach us and…[that teacher is] with us wherever we are.” Countless times I’ve heard clients breathe a huge sigh of relief when an emotion they’d been feeling was re-framed into their viewing it as a ‘signal’ or ‘pause button’ to 'teach' themselves to remember they can make a different choice in the face of it.

For example, in a recent coaching conversation, a client named as her desired outcome 'to have a tool to be able to be more authentic' in her conversations with others at work. Time and again as she spoke about this, she used the word ‘struggle’ in conjunction with her fear of what they'd think of her if she did so. As the conversation unfolded, we looked at how ‘struggle’, because she is consistently noticing that particular feeling/emotion in the moment, could be used as a signal or cue for her to pause to check within and see what is being called for regarding authenticity at the time she feels it. That idea allowed her to relax and, rather than avoiding or ignoring the feeling/emotion of 'struggling', view it instead as a clue and make it an ally in being truly herself rather than viewing 'struggling' as a hijacker of her authenticity. She adopted this noticing of 'struggling' as her 'emotional tool' to help her remember to think differently, and reveled in the thought that she doesn't have to remember to bring this particular tool with her - it's already within her.

For too long our society, especially in our workplaces, has shuffled emotions into the realms of 'unacceptable, 'not useful' and/or 'too much to handle'. One of the ways I've reclaimed more of my personal power is that I've learned to value, honor and learn from my emotions, providing me with ever-mounting 'evidence' of the impact on myself and others of having done so. As a result, I believe it's now time to restore the natural balance between logic and emotion, within us and between us as human beings, in order to enrich all that life has to offer - I find that a deliciously freeing thought - how about you?

Until next time, I leave you with an inquiry, of course.

A question for you to ask yourself:
What emotion(s) have you been avoiding lately, and what might it (they) be trying to tell you?

I invite you to consider this question and, as you do, notice what new awareness emerges from within you. And please remember to have FUN on that awareness adventure into the question, okay?

Happy exploring!
Amoráh

@Amorah Ross 2015

Amorah's work is to support her clients in bringing their soulful humanity out so that it serves as the guiding light for all that they do. Never again must their humanity get buried or compromised amid the often-conflicting demands of the various roles they inhabit day by day. 

Passionate about celebrating human wholeness as our birthright, Amorah is a Transformative Coach for those who choose to show up in their careers and live their lives from their authentic core essence and beyond the limitations of traditional thinking. 

Amoráh is an ICF Master Certified Coach, a certified Mentor Coach, and a seasoned coach trainer. A professional coach since 1997 and coach trainer/mentor coach since 1999, Amoráh also serves as an ICF credentialing assessor and on the ICF Global Standards Core Team. She served 3+ years on ICF’s Credentialing and Program Accreditation Committee, and was its Vice-Chair in 2010. Amoráh lives near Seattle with her husband of 45 years and their 2 miniature dachshunds.

Amorah co-authored the book Roadmap to Success: America’s Top Intellectual Minds Map Out Successful Business Strategies, a compilation of articles on strategies & tools for personal and professional success. She has also had published numerous articles on coaching.

www.amorah.com

photo by Nokhoog Buchacho www.freedigitalphotos.net

I’ve been so blessed to hear the Masters coaching now for over 4 years on my teleclass series and have witnessed incredible mastery in so many areas. 

But if I had to choose just one that for me creates the greatest space for transformation, I would have to say it’s trust.

When there is trust in the client, trust in the coaching process and trust in yourself as a coach, a magnificent dance occurs and magic happens.

I get goosebumps everytime I witness what I experience as this miracle. Im getting them now just thinking about it!

And, I find when there’s trust, then other competencies automatically follow-- like presence, which would be my next choice!

What do you think makes coaching masterful?

How to Stay Present in Difficult Conversations When People Get Emotional

By Dr. Marcia Reynolds MCC
(MMC guest Master Coach & blogger)
 

Before you hold what you believe will be a difficult conversation, it is important to set your emotional intention. What do you want to feel throughout the conversation? What do you want the other person to feel? You have to set the emotional tone from the beginning of the conversation and then hold it throughout to get the results you want.

Yet even good intentions can be thwarted by the emotions of others. Disagreements make people emotional. This shouldn’t stop you from achieving the results you know are possible. In fact, letting people vent not only allows them to release their feelings (which usually dissipate after they are expressed), but you can find what they really want or what is causing them to feel the way they do if you listen to the words they share while they are venting.

Check your feelings about people before you have a conversation with them Tweet: Check your feelings about people before you have a conversation with them @MarciaReynolds http://ctt.ec/NV644+

When you think about the person and the situation you want to address, do strong emotions arise? Will you be able to release these emotions if they surface during the conversation? Can you accept that the person responds to challenges differently than you do, that his or her style and speed for processing, learning, and trying out new behaviors are different from yours?

Before engaging in the conversation, envision what could happen, including the worst case scenario. Choose how you want to respond. A clear vision acts as a dress rehearsal that will help you get through the real thing.

You also have to allow them to fully tell their story before you start asking them to look for solutions. If you push for resolution too quickly, they will not believe in your intention. They will fortify their walls and the conversation will go nowhere.

Manage how you respond to the other person’s discomfort

Your own brain has automatic defense mechanisms that are naturally on alert at all times. When the conversation begins to feel risky, messy, or emotionally unstable, you need to breathe and recall your emotional intention for the conversation.

Vincent Van Gogh said, “Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives, and we obey them without realizing it.” You need to notice when your body tenses up or your breathing shortens so you can release the tension and return to being present.

Your commitment to helping them move toward an effective solution, not just to make things better for yourself, must be evident from the beginning to the end. You’ve seen how quickly people get defensive when they don’t like what they hear. I’m sure you, too, have engaged in a verbal battle after receiving criticism, or you mentally checked out the moment someone offered to give you feedback.

Remember your emotional intention based on how you want them to feel. Remember your goal of service. Remember they are doing their best with what they know right now. Don’t get entangled in their reactions. Stay present so you can help them see that knowing more or doing something else would be in their best interest.

Keep your impatience in check

Finally, the demon you will most have to battle is your own impatience. You will need to be comfortable with letting the process unfold.

When you think you know exactly what is wrong with the other person’s thinking, your best approach is to patiently ask them questions that will help them discover the gaps in their logic for themselves. If you slip and tell him what is wrong with his thinking and what he should do next, his brain will shut down. No one likes being made to feel wrong or stupid. You can read more on how to change people’s mind with an inquiry process in The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs.

You also have to be patient with silence. Silence is often an indication that what you said or asked actually poked through his wall of resistance, causing him to stop and think about his thinking. The best thing you can do is to be patient and allow the person’s brain to work.

Be curious and care

Be fascinated by the human in front of you. Don’t let him frustrate you with his resistance. Don’t let him fool you with a false face of ennui. And definitely, don’t resort to threatening or bribing him. Stay calm and intentional throughout the conversation to move toward the results you want to achieve.

@Dr. Marcia Reynolds 2015

  _______________________________________________________________________________

Dr. Marcia Reynolds MCC, president of Covisioning LLC, is fascinated by the brain, especially what triggers enthusiasm and innovation. This fascination has led her down many roads in her desire to stay on top of the shifts in employee engagement and leadership development. On this journey, she wove together three areas of expertise: organizational change, coaching and emotional intelligence. She is able to draw on these areas as she works with her latest passion—changing the conversations leaders have at work. She feels the most effective leaders help people think more broadly for themselves. When leaders have powerful conversations that change people’s minds from the inside out, the workplace comes alive with an eagerness to discover what is possible.

http://​www.outsmartyourbrain.com

I know you give so much to so many but my question is coaches are you good at treating yourself?

Not so much? OK well here's a great & easy way to do just that!

Enter The Coaches Treat Yourself Giveaway to win any one of 20 terrific prizes. 

All sorts of products, services and bling that you would love to have but maybe just cant justify buying for yourself.

And everyone's a winner as there are also some amazing consolation gifts.

Let's practice what we try to teach-
the value and importance of acknowledging and celebrating oneself!

May this labor day be a labor of love- self love. 

The gifts are free and clear- no follow-up marketing from the contributors just pure giving! Deadline to enter is 9/3/14. Winners will be randomly drawn on 9/5 and notified @ 9/6.

I cant get over how excited I am to be able to give back to coaches in this way! It is so much fun.

I love coaches, I love this profession.

There are 20 fabulous prizes donated by some very generous people.

The gifts are free and clear- no follow-up marketing from the contributors just pure giving!

So please enter (thru 9/3/14) to treat yourself!

1 gift per person, winners will be randomly drawn on 9/5 and notified @ 9/6.

Good luck everyone!

I cant get over how excited I am to be able to give back to coaches in this way! It is so much fun.

I love coaches, I love this profession.

There are 20 fabulous prizes donated by some very generous people.

The gifts are free and clear- no follow-up marketing from the contributors just pure giving!

So please enter (thru 9/3/14) to treat yourself!

1 gift per person, winners will be randomly drawn on 9/5 and notified @ 9/6.

Good luck everyone!

Global Warming of the Human Kind

By Patrick Williams EdD, MCC

Emotional Climate change is needed now more than ever.

The world needs global warming – not the environmental kind, the relational kind! Throughout the news media, we see the quickening of global warming and its disastrous effects on the environment. What we are also beginning to see is a quickening of global warming in the way individuals, families, communities and countries relate to one another.

That this could grow so fast is a surprise to all the experts. What if the walls that separate us from truly cherishing and honoring each other came crashing down, just as the icebergs are doing in Antarctica? What if the measurement of warmth in all relationships began to rise? I have had the good fortune to travel to many countries around the globe in the last 10 years in my role as an ambassador of life coaching, both for the Institute for Life Coach Training and for the profession at large. I have always noticed how people everywhere respond well to human friendliness despite the politics of individual countries. If you act friendly, you are treated as a friend, and if you are courteous, you are treated with courtesy. If you ask people about themselves with non-judgmental curiosity and really want to know, they respond with openness and glee.

My graduate training in psychology in the 1970s was in Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology. I pursued those fields of study because I believed in the possibility of learning and applying wisdom and tools that allowed people to pursue happiness and overcome life stressors that lead to the antithesis of peace. Yes, of course, I was an idealist of the Love Generation, but what’s wrong with idealism? Ideals are what we need to pursue more often, but through a sense of global connection and people-to-people experiences – not the disconnection that seems so pervasive in our governments and political leadership.

The new EQ age

Given the research today in the areas of Positive Psychology and Emotional Intelligence (EQ), we have evidence of techniques and outcomes that improve relationships, embrace diversity, strengthen our ability to be open-minded and less judgmental, and improve the honest, clear communication that is necessary to foster good relation-ships. Shouldn’t this research be applied to global relations and community challenges so that we can bypass the typical political efforts among the leaders of countries?

Martin Seligman, in his introduction to the Handbook of Positive Psychology (Snyder, C.R. and Lopez, S.editors, 2002) states, “I believe that a psychology of positive human functioning will arise that achieves a scientific understanding and effective interventions to build thriving individuals, families and communities. You may think this is pure fantasy that psychology will never look beyond the victim, the underdog, and the remedial. But I want to suggest that the time is finally right.” He goes on to say, “I predict that Positive Psychology in this new century will come to understand and build those factors that allow individuals, communities, and societies to flourish.”

I would add that the timing could not be more crucial. Global warming of the human kind needs to erupt in surprising and multiple places on Earth. Didn’t it surprise most experts when the Berlin wall came down? What metaphorical walls could come down if there were a mass movement of  people-to-people and village-to-village peaceful actions with purpose? That is how all movements begin. It is time for another peace movement, this time armed with the coach approach and the science of Positive Psychology.

Starting a global conversation

For 18 years, I was a member of Rotary International (I travel too much now to be a member locally). As a member, I had the great experience of volunteering with projects in Mexico several times and also housed six exchange students in our house for three to six months each time. Both of these experiences created in me great warmth toward a culture I was unfamiliar with and expanded my view of diversity and the importance of being curious and open-minded rather than judgmental and close-minded. Many other organizations sponsor similar cultural exchange programs. How might professional coaches begin to sponsor or encourage experiences with the coach approach included?

It is time for another peace movement, this time armed with the coach approach and the science of positive psychology

I have enormous confidence in the positive impact that the spread of authentic coaching conversations could have on the world.

What would it take to start a coaching conversation movement? Like the woman in Africa who is planting millions of trees, or the young teenagers who started Cell Phones for Soldiers as a way for men and women in the armed services around the globe to communicate affordably with their families, or any of the other great movements that have started with just “a good idea shared with friends”?

What would it take to make coaching conversations a buzzword on YouTube, MySpace, Facebook, Google, Yahoo, and blogs everywhere?

I believe that people really want to feel more connected with others and are curious about other cultures. Let’s end prejudice that prevents openness to learning.

Let me know how we can start a Global Warming in People’s Hearts message and spread this message around the globe. Send your ideas to: ideas@lifecoachtraining.com. Let’s get together and do something big to create an increase in global warming within the human family.

copyright @ Patrick Williams EdD, MCC (published in Choice Magazine)

One of the early pioneers of coaching, Pat is often called the ambassador of life coaching.
Pat has been a licensed psychologist since 1980 and began executive coaching in 1990 with Hewlett Packard, IBM, Kodak and other companies along the front range of Colorado.
He is a member of PHI BETA KAPPA and CUM LAUDE graduate of Kansas University in 1972. He completed his masters in Humanistic Psychology in 1975(University of West Georgia) and doctorate in Transpersonal Psychology in 1977.(University of Northern Colorado)

Pat joined Coach U in 1996, closed his therapy practice six months later and becamea full time coach. Pat
was a senior trainer with Coach U from 1997-1998. He then started his own coach training school, the
Institute for Life Coach Training (ILCT) which specializes in training those with a human services
orientation. ILCT has trained over 2,500 helping professionals and has opened offices in Korea, Turkey,
Italy, China and the UK.

Pat is department chair of the Coaching Psychology program at the International University of Professional
Studies (www.iups.edu), and has taught graduate coaching classes at Colorado State University and Denver
University, Fielding University, City University of London and many others. He was also a curriculum
consultant for the Coaching Certificate program at Fielding International University.

Pat is a past board member of the International Coach Federation (ICF), and co-chaired the ICF regulatory
committee. He is currently president of ACTO, the Association of Coach Training Organizations and an
honorary VP of the Association of Coaching Psychology. Pat was also honored in 2008 as the educator of
the year for the New England Educational Institute. In May of 2006 Pat was awarded the first Global Visionary Fellowship by the Foundation of Coaching for his Coaching the Global Village, initiative to bring coachingmethodologies to villages in developing countries and to leaders of non profits and nongovernmentalorganizations who serve them. He is passionate about coaching and dedicated to ensuring it remain.

www.lifecoachtraining.com and www.coachingtheglobalvillage.com

Dumb Questions, Dumb Answers and Dumbed Down Decisions: Who is in Charge of Your Decisions?

By Dr. Relly Nadler MCC
MMC guest master coach (6/25/14) & guest blogger
 

We have been exploring the Emotional Intelligence competency of Confidence or Self-Regard. This blog is on how your thinking impacts your decisions, judgments and success. The strategy below is an excerpt of one of the 10 strategies to raise your Confidence in my book, Leading with Emotional Intelligence. As an Executive Coach, one consistent strategy I use with executives is to help them be more in charge of their default or automatic thought process.

In Chip and Dan Heath’s new book, Decisive, they write: “Why do we have such a hard time making good choices? …When it comes to making decisions, it is clear that our brains are flawed instruments.”

When we reflect on our thinking, we usually ask ourselves a series of questions as many as 50,000 a day. This is an unconscious process that stimulates the answers, such as: What am I going to do about this project? Why is my co-worker so uncooperative? Why did I get passed over at the last promotion?                

One of thinking errors I speak to executives about is: My thoughts are facts. Because I thought it, therefore it is true.

Daniel Kahneman, in his Thinking, Fast and Slow book, explains one reason why we make dumb decisions. It is the:

“Affect Heuristic – where judgments and decisions are guided directly by feelings of liking and disliking, with little deliberation or reasoning.”

If we ask ourselves poor, biased and narrow questions, we will get answers that are negative, not helpful or proactive. The brain has been compared to a computer, even though it is far more complex. When we ask ourselves a question, it is like doing a Google search for information in your brain. Our brain runs through its files to bring up an answer on our screen of awareness. We take this answer as a fact and move forward without questioning the process.

Part of being more confident is to be more aware, mindful and awake when you ask yourself internal questions. When you pay more attention, you may notice that the questions often catalyze a cascade of negative responses and a familiar pattern of “Being on Your Case,” the focus of the last blog. Bad questions get bad answers and you can make dumb decisions as a result.

Your questions can “lead the witness” with inferences that a judge wouldn’t allow in a court of law. The famous “When did you stop beating your wife?” is an example of getting stuck in a nasty loop. Unfortunately, when we ask ourselves self-deprecating questions we rarely come back with an “objection” to the kind of negative answer that comes up. Nor do we consider the fact that this knee-jerk answer may not be true and is simply a reflection of how we have programmed ourselves in the past.

Are any of these questions familiar?

    Why am I always screwing up?
    How come I’m not good enough?
    How could I be so stupid?
    Why didn’t I say something smart at the meeting?
    When will I finally learn?

The brain searches your history and comes up with pat answers such as: “I have always been a slow learner,” or “I am not as smart as others,” or “I am always making stupid mistakes,” or “I’ll never get ahead.” These programmed responses make you hang your head and lose your confidence.

It’s time to take control of the programming of negative automatic self-talk. Let your brain search its files for a more positive, constructive, and useful answer.

The questions and actions below can help you in this process.

Questions and Action Applications:

•     Be more aware of the questions you ask yourself. Write them down and collect them over a week.
•     Ask your questions out loud. Listen, and then evaluate what you are really asking your brain to search for.
•     Are your questions positive or negative?
•     What kind of answers are you getting?
•     Evaluate the biases in your questions. Are you leading the witness? Are you setting yourself up for failure?   Would a judge allow your questions?
•     Are you using over-generalized words such as “always” and “never”?

Five Better Search Questions: Using the following five questions will consistently lead to better answers. Think of a situation for reflection. Now use the questions to generate positive confidence-building answers:

•     What can I learn here?
•     How can I be more on my side?
•     What do I feel good about here?
•     How do I best deal with this situation?
•     How do I bring all my resources to this issue?

This search will generate better questions for better answers and solutions.

Are you on automatic, or are you conscious and in charge of your thoughts, decisions and contributions?

@copyright Relly Nadler 2014 for Psychology Today
 

Dr. Relly Nadler, M.C.C., is the author of 5 bestselling books on leadership development, team learning and emotional intelligence (EI). His most recent book Leading with Emotional Intelligence has 108 strategies to help propel you into the top 10%. His goal is to help you develop yourself and your team to be top performers. The tactics in his books and on this blog are simple and practical, yet powerful. Emotional Intelligence can be enhanced and increased differently from IQ, which is static.

Dr. Relly Nadler, educated as a clinical psychologist, is a master certified coach (MCC) with the International Coaching Federtation (ICF), an executive coach and corporate trainer. As a co-host of "Leadership Development News," an internet weekly radio show on VoiceAmerica, Dr. Nadler interviews leaders, authors and consultants about their secrets of success. He is the "Emotional Intelligence Expert" on the self-improvement site Selfgrowth.com.

He is the president and CEO True North Leadership, Inc. an Executive and Organizational Development firm. Dr. Nadler brings his expertise in Emotional Intelligence to all his keynotes, consulting, coaching and training. He has designed and delivered many multi-day executive boot camps for high achievers in Fortune 500 companies.

Dr. Nadler has coached CEOs, presidents and their staffs, developed and delivered innovative leadership programs for such organizations as Anheuser-Busch, BMW, EDS, MCI, Vanguard Health Systems, Comcast Entertainmentand DreamWorks Animation. He is recognized around the world for his expertise in developing powerful and practical Emotional Intelligence tools to improve business performance, retain stars and develop the next level of competent leaders.

Dr. Nadler has FREE EI assessments, podcasts and tools on his website: www.truenorthleadership.com

Distinctions on the Path from ACC to PCC to MCC

By Janet Harvey, MCC
MMC guest master coach (4/21/14) & guest blogger

After our initial coach training is done and we're on our own with clients, what keeps us on the development path toward more masterful artistry in our coaching? This is a question I often hear and want to offer some insight about it that comes from our development of mentor coach competencies. Bottom line, the competency path is distinguished by a matter of degree in terms of partnership, invitation and trust in the process.

In providing feedback regarding coaching competency, a mentor coach reflects what is already evident in the skill set of the coach, providing concrete examples of how those skills show up. Equally important is an honest assessment of how those competencies can be strengthened and expanded, supporting the coach in moving from the level of expertise they currently demonstrate toward the next level of expertise available to them. This requires that the mentor coach have in-depth knowledge of not only the skills of each competency, but also of the behaviors that mark the distinctions between ACC, PCC and MCC credentials.

Typically, as a coach operates at the ACC level, the coach feels responsible to drive the session and there is a tendency to pose questions that keep the session focused on the situational level, eliciting information and data that is generally known by the client and coaching the circumstances in which the client is immersed.  This level of relating is valuable for clients and opens the door for exploring a level of meaning that is often invisible to a client and usually resides in the realm of emotional and physical reactivity.

At the PCC level of coaching, the coach elicits the client’s intuition and way of learning so that the coach’s questions and reflections become more evocative and begin to explore below the surface of the client’s circumstances so that the client’s relationship to those circumstances can be examined.  Being curious without judgment, meaning to be unconditional with questions, supports a client in considering whether the premise for their actions or the beliefs they act from serves or not.  From this heightened awareness, the coaching provides a space to examine and elect new choices, oftentimes new beliefs and new ways of relating that more fully honor the core values for their life.

At the MCC level, the client is the primary driver of the session. Coach and client are in full partnership, choosing the method and manner for exploring deep into the client’s relationship to the circumstances. At the beginning of a session the coach serves as observer and witness to the client’s thinking and wisdom, continuously learning how best to partner with the client’s process and style. The coach’s intention focuses upon heightening client awareness and clarity so that client choices are aligned with what is most important for their life and choices for sustainable change are adopted.  The degree to which client and coach trust the process and allow a vibrant invitation to explore what is not known, reverently, will serve the partnership in creating a whole that is greater than the sum of the parts.

@ copyright Janet Harvey

Janet Harvey is a life and leadership coach. She is an experienced, versatile professional in the domains of organizational effectiveness and executive leadership development for the 21st century. A former officer with Charles Schwab and General Mills, Janet is a seasoned executive operating for the past ten years as an entrepreneur in organizational consulting and coaching. As a published author, personal growth workshop conductor and national conference speaker Ms. Harvey coaches leaders becoming better leaders in every domain of their lives.

CF Master Certified Coach, inviteCHANGE Certified Mentor Coach, MA Organization Development & Human Resource Management, BA in Economics, Certifications in Birkman Method and MBTI Assessment, Voice Dialogue, Group Facilitation, Instructional Design, Dream Tending and Communications Planning, Director of Training and 2011-2012 ICF President-Elect.

www.invitechange.com

Coaching Presence and the Power Differential Between Client and Coach
By Micki McMillan, MCC
MMC guest master coach (3/18/14) & guest blogger

Coach Power Differential:  What does that mean?

It means we coaches have a lot of power… be careful with it.

I really do try not to ‘coach’ every second of my day, but sometimes it’s impossible not to notice the obvious red flags in coaching when they’re literally right in front of me. While at my favorite coffee shop the other day, I recognized a fellow coach working with a client… then I noticed something else going on. As if watching a silent movie, the coach’s actions spoke a million words. I was astonished!

The coach was sitting on a straight back chair, at least a foot higher than her client who sat in a much lower overstuffed sofa. This struck me as an obvious power differential to start with, but it got worse. The conversation seemed to ramp up in energy and at one point, the coach was leaning down towards the client, shaking her finger at him. I could only infer that she was trying to emphasize something important, but from the outside, it appeared to be a parental moment with a condescending note.

Self-awareness of non-verbal subtleties like what I saw, is a part of the ICF Core Competency – Coaching Presence. Our day-to-day work goes like this: we meet our clients, develop rapport and trust with them, discuss many different topics, and in many cases, we can get comfortable and forget that at least during the coaching conversation, we, as the coach have power over our clients.

In that precious coaching time, our clients give us the permission to manage and direct the conversation- so they can do what they need to do as clients – observe themselves, see their situation from a different point of view, consider alternative choices, and ponder actions that will advance them towards their desired goals. They are being tender and vulnerable with us, and they have a lot to do during that time. Our role, our duty is to safely hold the container so they can be free to work.

If we are not sensitive to how we manage ourselves in that conversation, our non-verbals can derail the process through intimidation, unconsciously creating an environment that asks them to please us, or just distracting them from the important work they are doing.

I had a hard time enjoying my coffee that morning, as I was left with a red flag in my vision and a pit in my stomach, wondering how that local coach’s client felt after their time together. It bothered me for days, so I jotted down these thoughts to share with you – and the Bottom line? Pay attention to everything. Be sensitive, respectful, compassionate, and remember what it is like to be a client.

Copyright@ Micki McMillan 2014 all rights reserved

Micki McMillan, Blue Mesa Group CEO & Co-Founder, a coaching and consulting firm.  Her powerful combination of coaching expertise and business acumen enables her to facilitate lasting change while meeting objectives for fast turnaround and measurable results. Her methods have benfited such organizations such as Merck & Co., Inc., Yale New Haven Health, Colorado State University, Entergy, DTE Energy, Trinity Health, Centura Health, and Royal Dutch Shell.

As regional director of distribution operations at Xcel Energy (then Public Service Company of Colorado), she was the highest-ranking woman in gas and electric operations.

She is also the co-Director of the ICF accredited Transformational Coaching Program (ACTP), gearing the training towards individuals who want to guide their clients on a journey of lasting change in both their personal and professional lives.

www.bluemesagroup.com